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[Catgirl] PROCESSING CHAPTER ELEVEN

Idiota 19 years ago

Ok, because Zombie kept on whining, I'll comment.

This chapter is probably a slope to a higher level of entertainment, correct? I didn't think this chapter was a good one, but I hope my feelings are right.

And a side note, most people read the chapter and then move on with their life, I think. There are very few people actually commenting on it and that's for the writer to provoke somehow. I fialed at that, I hope you dont.

HarmlessHermit 19 years ago

These aren't a group of critics you're dealing with Zombie. Just look at The Notrium Saga. Other than the plot holes in the first few chapters being pointed out, I haven't got a single criticism yet! Not even a little, "Maybe you should've done this instead of..."! I bang my head on the wall sometimes when all I get are compliments. After I recover though, I have enough sense to pat myself mildly on the back.

This obviously isn't your first ever major work, and if it is, it doesn't seem like it. However, any writing project is an opportunity for the author to learn a few things about their writing. Even if he/she learns just one teensy weensy thing, the 500-page disaster of a novel would still be worthwhile.

I would warn you that readers on the internet -and especially an audience comprised mostly of tweens and teens- have extremely short attention spans. Don't be offended if Asdmaster screams out, "summary please" or "too lazy".
That's just how it is.

On to the new chapter. Well, I think it fulfills its purpose adequately. The purpose being to foreshadow the twists and mysteries that unravel in the later chapters. It builds up suspense, it builds up tension, but frankly, the entire chapters so far have been a huge build up for the main events in the story. So I only have one thing to say:

Don't waste all of these rather slow-moving chapters. If you don't come up with some gratifying action or movement in the story, then all of the setting up will have gone to waste.

Zombie 19 years ago

Meh, I know it is all just a big setup so far... But hey, isn't that life?

Yeah... I'll start wondering when I am going to post [5] now...

void 19 years ago

Still waiting for you to get me into it Zombie. You'll know I'm into it when I'm bugging you about posting more chapters.

Zombie 19 years ago

5X

Tonight there are to be some major updates! To commemorate me finishing [9] and finally starting the final prologue chapter, I am going to post all my back chapters tonight!

Fueled by some ramen and some personal epiphanies I have had lately, I will keep you updated via the topic name!

As of right now, [5] is up! 4 more to go!

[EDIT]
Ooh! And I am also being fueled by remixed.

I sure do love my remixes!

[/EDIT]

[ADDON]
[6] is up! 3 more to go!
[/ADDON]

[ADDON]
[7] is up! 2 more to go!
[/ADDON]

[ADDON]
[8] is up! 1 more to go!
[/ADDON]

[ADDON]
[9] is up! Whoo! [5] to [9] typed up, with breaks and distractions, took me about two-and-a-half to three hours!

Tell me what you think so far, people, as [10] is coming soon, and [10] is the end of the prologue!

After [10] is done and typed up, I will open up a poll so all four or five of you who read this can tell me what you think.

The poll will run, most likely, until I say it is over. That will most likely happen when I am done with [11] and that may not be for a while. [11] is not only the start of the main story, but also when I start writing in longer chapters instead of these short one-page-front-and-back chapters.
[/ADDON]

void 19 years ago

So...... when are you going to post the next chapter?

Zombie 19 years ago

[10] is almost halfway done...

So I guess you liked it, eh Void?

Idiota 19 years ago

I sure did, I'm going to skip the reviews for now, due to lack of time.

Zombie 19 years ago

Allow me to post a rather nice review by a good friend of mine. The only editing was shaping it into a rough paragraph form and removing the tags that instant messengers add. No text has been modified other than this.

"Mint" said:
ok, finally read all of what you have so far ^_^ and quite like it X3 I like the way that the characters can still joke around and be light hearted in such a serious setting. It has all the wonderful dressings of a scifi story, capturing the atmosphere of being alone in a heavily technological environment in space, as well as the ghost story of a dead/abandoned planet and its decaying space stations.

So far, I Nickie definitely has the most development XD and love the sense of her as a compassionate, but also kinda crazy genius with a terribly complex past. I was worried about what might become of Brene, as his character seems to most fully emerge in the last couple of sections of the prologue. Amy also developed quickly early on, and through their actions and interactions both with one another and the roles they play on the ship, you get a very good sense of them.

Also, their appearances are quite telling, but the most striking thing, and most strong thing that I found about that was that you don't describe them directly for the most part, but I'm still able to form clear pictures of them in my mind... as correct or incorrect as they may be XD but that's a sign of good characterization and 'showing' rather than 'telling', and it just stuck out to me XP I like it when that happens XD

Also, the technology you describe is also described simply or explained on terms that will be familiar and lucid to the reader. I think part of what added so much to the atmosphere was the great sense of the technology, but also the sense of normality and familiarity that pervaded the environment. Some people can't do that in their stories, and it ends up being incredibly awkward.

The outline of this seems a little common and archetypal, but you also add enough original elements to bring the beginning to life and make it quite original. Even the enigmatic company and rebel forces--I really like the ambiguity with who's good and who's bad there, and the detail about the rebel isignia

Something I also noticed is the strong voice that the narrator is given. When the story starts, you may look into ways to integrate that more into the story-detail rather than through such direct explication, for the most part. It's almost on that level, and flows with the story, but in some ways, seems to still remain separate.

You also have a nice sense of language, and are very eloquent. You write very well, and I'm sure your style will continue to develop even further ^_^ however, some technicalities I noticed might help to improve the overall effectiveness a little. Minor, but important things to keep in mind ^^; which are tense and dialogue.

don't mistake me about the dialogue. So far, it's really good ^^ but something that might help it to sound more natural is using more contractions where applicable and appropriate (which isn't all the time), and simply where it breaks things up to sound good XD

'it is' is sort of lengthy in speach, and doesn't seem as fluid in informal character interaction when it's always drawn out fully. The same with can not, what is, do not, and etc. just using it's, can't, what's, don't, and etc. in some places would really help maintain your rhythm and the smooth flow of the text.

And in the general writing, eliminating unneeded words to more concise expressions like that may also do a lot when it doesn't impede on the feel you're trying to create or 'voice' in general, and it's generally pretty easy to do this. It's called eliminating 'dead wood' that doesn't do anything, more formally, and really helps. In fiction, it helps things to become more expressive and the like XD; nothing major. It's actually accomplished really just through the process of revision >_>;

And the other thing is the tense. Sometimes I see you start a paragraph in the past tense, then continue on in the present, or vice versa, and it can be a little odd XD; however, some words, such as 'said', 'finished', heard', and so forth, are also useful to incorporate at times, and sometimes work to incorperate dialogue more naturally and fluidly into a story. Your present tense is fine ^_^ it's just something to think about in the future.

There are some minor spelling errors, but meh. They're minor and don't detract enough to draw my notice or detract from the story. Easily eliminated through revision.

So yes X3; I really enjoyed reading that. You write really well, and tell an interesting and good story serious, charming, grim, and engaging all at the same time with lovely characterization and good language.

hm... also, be careful not to overpower characters or make them 'too' perfect ^^; that can really do a lot to detract from a story ._.; it's a good set-up, and slow, but storybuilding and characterizing. I look forward to seeing the setup unfold. Just keep rereading your own work as well, and you'll learn and see a lot, and work out bugs. But it's good and indeed keep it up ;_;

hm... also, yes ^^; a different title might work better D: but as I seem to remember you just giving it that to give it a name, also unimportant :-O

it describes the story, but it doesn't seem to suit the story :/

Just write what you think, just like that.

I believe I have provided enough contact information so you all can even catch me when I am here and talk to me one-on-one about the story.

You have no excuses!

Oh, and [10] is coming along rather nicely. Keep in mind that the prologue consists of [1] through [10] and that [11] will be the first actual chapter. Also, you may notice chapters getting a bit longer after [10] as I am going to write until I feel the chapter is done, instead of limiting myself to what I can fit on a single sheet of college rule paper, front and back.

[11] will also feature the debut of not only the main story, but also the true main character. I think you will all like her.

Just speaking for myself, I really can not wait!

Well, I am going to go shower and meditate now. Allow me to post a rather nice review by a good friend of mine. The only editing was shaping it into a rough paragraph form and removing the tags that instant messengers add. No text has been modified other than this. [quote="Mint"]ok, finally read all of what you have so far ^_^ and quite like it X3 I like the way that the characters can still joke around and be light hearted in such a serious setting. It has all the wonderful dressings of a scifi story, capturing the atmosphere of being alone in a heavily technological environment in space, as well as the ghost story of a dead/abandoned planet and its decaying space stations. So far, I Nickie definitely has the most development XD and love the sense of her as a compassionate, but also kinda crazy genius with a terribly complex past. I was worried about what might become of Brene, as his character seems to most fully emerge in the last couple of sections of the prologue. Amy also developed quickly early on, and through their actions and interactions both with one another and the roles they play on the ship, you get a very good sense of them. Also, their appearances are quite telling, but the most striking thing, and most strong thing that I found about that was that you don't describe them directly for the most part, but I'm still able to form clear pictures of them in my mind... as correct or incorrect as they may be XD but that's a sign of good characterization and 'showing' rather than 'telling', and it just stuck out to me XP I like it when that happens XD Also, the technology you describe is also described simply or explained on terms that will be familiar and lucid to the reader. I think part of what added so much to the atmosphere was the great sense of the technology, but also the sense of normality and familiarity that pervaded the environment. Some people can't do that in their stories, and it ends up being incredibly awkward. The outline of this seems a little common and archetypal, but you also add enough original elements to bring the beginning to life and make it quite original. Even the enigmatic company and rebel forces--I really like the ambiguity with who's good and who's bad there, and the detail about the rebel isignia :x Something I also noticed is the strong voice that the narrator is given. When the story starts, you may look into ways to integrate that more into the story-detail rather than through such direct explication, for the most part. It's almost on that level, and flows with the story, but in some ways, seems to still remain separate. You also have a nice sense of language, and are very eloquent. You write very well, and I'm sure your style will continue to develop even further ^_^ however, some technicalities I noticed might help to improve the overall effectiveness a little. Minor, but important things to keep in mind ^^; which are tense and dialogue. don't mistake me about the dialogue. So far, it's really good ^^ but something that might help it to sound more natural is using more contractions where applicable and appropriate (which isn't all the time), and simply where it breaks things up to sound good XD 'it is' is sort of lengthy in speach, and doesn't seem as fluid in informal character interaction when it's always drawn out fully. The same with can not, what is, do not, and etc. just using it's, can't, what's, don't, and etc. in some places would really help maintain your rhythm and the smooth flow of the text. And in the general writing, eliminating unneeded words to more concise expressions like that may also do a lot when it doesn't impede on the feel you're trying to create or 'voice' in general, and it's generally pretty easy to do this. It's called eliminating 'dead wood' that doesn't do anything, more formally, and really helps. In fiction, it helps things to become more expressive and the like XD; nothing major. It's actually accomplished really just through the process of revision >_>; And the other thing is the tense. Sometimes I see you start a paragraph in the past tense, then continue on in the present, or vice versa, and it can be a little odd XD; however, some words, such as 'said', 'finished', heard', and so forth, are also useful to incorporate at times, and sometimes work to incorperate dialogue more naturally and fluidly into a story. Your present tense is fine ^_^ it's just something to think about in the future. There are some minor spelling errors, but meh. They're minor and don't detract enough to draw my notice or detract from the story. Easily eliminated through revision. So yes X3; I really enjoyed reading that. You write really well, and tell an interesting and good story :x serious, charming, grim, and engaging all at the same time with lovely characterization and good language. hm... also, be careful not to overpower characters or make them 'too' perfect ^^; that can really do a lot to detract from a story ._.; it's a good set-up, and slow, but storybuilding and characterizing. I look forward to seeing the setup unfold. Just keep rereading your own work as well, and you'll learn and see a lot, and work out bugs. But it's good :x and indeed keep it up ;_; hm... also, yes ^^; a different title might work better D: but as I seem to remember you just giving it that to give it a name, also unimportant :-O it describes the story, but it doesn't seem to suit the story :/ [/quote] Just write what you think, just like that. :P I believe I have provided enough contact information so you all can even catch me when I am here and talk to me one-on-one about the story. You have no excuses! :P Oh, and [10] is coming along rather nicely. Keep in mind that the prologue consists of [1] through [10] and that [11] will be the first actual chapter. Also, you may notice chapters getting a bit longer after [10] as I am going to write until I feel the chapter is done, instead of limiting myself to what I can fit on a single sheet of college rule paper, front and back. [11] will also feature the debut of not only the main story, but also the true main character. I think you will all like her. :P Just speaking for myself, I really can not wait! Well, I am going to go shower and meditate now.

HarmlessHermit 19 years ago

Hah! Come to the dark side Zombie! Use a contraction, just a teensy weensy contraction. You know you wanna.

It's not that bad really. I agree with your friend that you should use at least a few contractions. Sometimes you don't even have to use them directly. You can have your characters say them through their dialogue.

Zombie 19 years ago

Long answer short: I do not use contractions.

They are abnormal and I am trying to phase them out of my vocabulary.

Idiota 19 years ago

hmmm.... X3 is your name on msn/another forum or something?

Zombie 19 years ago

3X

No... X3 is a smily. Anywho, I have updated my e-mail address in my profile as I realized that I completely forgot to do so!

My comcast e-mail is not working, so I am transitioning to using gmail.

[ADDON]
Woohoo!

[10] is finished, everyone!

Sure...

...you may all send me things violently depicting my death because I ended [10] in a cliffhanger...

And yes...

...I may have done this on purpose, fully remembering that I am going to write longer chapters starting with [11] and that [11] itself will take me a while...

But, hey! As long as you like it, I can dodge a few assassination attempts.

[/ADDON]

[ADDON]
[10] is up, everybody! The prologue is finally completely finished! Now I can get to concentrating on the main story and you all get to meet the main character! Well... In [11] I mean...

Instead of a poll, I would like you to post here and give me a sort of grade... You know? Here's an example:

"Mr. KnoesItAwl" said:

Writing style: ?/10
Blah blah blah, it sucked or rocked or whatever. Etc.

Character detail: ?/10
Blah blah blah, they sucked or rocked or whatever. Etc.

<insert another category here>: ?/10
Blah blah blah, it sucked or rocked or whatever. Etc.

Like that. This way you can all give me opinions and critisizm along with a nice kind of rating so I can see how I am doing... Also, you all can make plot suggestions... Make character suggestions... Make whatever suggestions... Yeah.

Now I think I am going to go to sleep. I badly need to rest.

[/ADDON]

void 19 years ago

I think you need to rewrite chapter 10, I don't know exactly why but it doesn't feel right. I think time just passes to quickly with little explination about whats going on. I think it would be better to extend chapter 9 to include them reaching the station and then in chapter 10 the 10 or so months has already passed and you become aware of whats happened as you read what is happening now after so long. (gah that is worded so badly)

This is the one thing I think you've done wrong Zombie, you just didn't handle time well in this chapter [Insert Hitchhikers joke here].

Hopefully someone who can explain it better then me will post the same thing soon. Anywho keep up the steady updates, it's begginning to get interesting.

Zombie 19 years ago

2X

Time is supposed to flow fast in [10] to give a sense of rushing. They reach the station in the first parts of [10] and have to rush from there to make a new subspace drive before their supplies run out and they die. Simple as that. Nothing other than that really happens...

But hey... I might rewrite it... Who knows.

[ADDON]
Apologies for the lack of updating, but [11] is not going too well. I, as of yet, have not even started writing and I seem to be suffering from some sort of writer's block...

[/ADDON]

Idiota 19 years ago

A writer's block? Noooo! no, no, no, no, noooooooo, not that thing. It's...

evil...

Zombie 19 years ago

2X

Please do not get all hysterical on me...

I had a nice talk with my good friend, Mint... The same Mint who wrote that very in-depth review about this story... Well, he helped me work out my writer's block and [11] is coming along nicely. I think you all will find it fairly interesting, but I warn that it will be a long chapter.

I had a nice break from writing but now I am back to the familiar embrace of my creative ramblings.

I would talk more, but I am kinda in class so I need to finish my work before I can do things like post something long...

[ADDON]
Well, [11] is coming along nicely and so far spans a page and a half. Please note that when I say that I wrote a 'page' that I mean I have filled a single college rule sheet of paper, front-and-back. When I say I wrote a 'half of a page' I mean that I have filled only one side of a single college rule sheet of paper. A quarter of a page is, for me, half of one side of the paper. Fairly simple to understand.

If you want a rather crap-tastic estimate on how long [11] may be by the time I finish, then I would say about seven to eight pages. However, keep in mind that I do call it a crap-tastic estimate for a reason.
[/ADDON]

Idiota 19 years ago

Idiota drums on the side of the table and watches his screen as if chapter 11 is somewhere hidden on the page.

Zombie 19 years ago

4X

Hey! Its really damned hot over here and heat hampers my efforts... I just get so drowsy...

Anyways... I have 2 pages (front and back) done so far. Be patient.

[ADDON]
Did I mention that I finished [11]? It is 3 pages. Now you know why the estimate I made is so crap-tastic.

I have started [12] and crap-stimate it to end up at around 3 to 4 pages.
[/ADDON]

[ADDON]
Heh... Heh... Heh...

Summerschool starts for me in a bit. I should get plenty of work time there, as I only seem to do writing goodness in a school environment for some odd reason. o.o;

I'll try to have something for you all soon... Just wanted to let you know that I am still working on this and that I havn't given up or moved on or anything.

To be completely honest with you all, this is the farthest I've gotten with any writing project of mine. I might actually keep going until I have a nice book or two... Who knows if I can get it published or not. Hope I can if I go that far.

[/ADDON]

[ADDON]
Okay... I just want to know something, here... Just out of curiosity.

Who is actually still checking up on this and even cares if I put out another chapter?

I ask out of curiosity and because I might consider modifying a personal website I've been making to include this... You might actually get to see some drawings I make of some of the scenes...
[/ADDON]

Idiota 19 years ago

As usual, eagely awaiting the newest chapter.

Lochen 19 years ago

Reading this like everything else I find, keep on posting, good work.

eddeshun 19 years ago

I have one thing to say. Catgirls are the sexiest girls to ever walk the earth (... if they were real).

Actually, there is -one- catgirl. Ripley's believe it or not had a special on her. She tatooed her body to resemble a cat. She got artifical whiskers (removable), and even a very minute eye surgery, to widen and elongate her eyes (thus giving her those lovely "cat-eyes"). Everything but the catears.

She's 27, has long, soft brown hair, and has a really slim, smooth, sleek (almost feline) build. She's cute... and knows how to purr...

Im in love!

Oh bullshiz. She's married

.
Lucky bast... lucky creetin.

Crazy 19 years ago

wow... your almost as sick as Giger...

Zombie 19 years ago

Nyow?

If you could enter my mind but for a second, you would either fall in love with me or run screaming. I can almost assure that.

Anyways, I will be getting a drawing tablet for my birthday... Do you know what that means?! I will actually be trying to draw along with my writing! Yes! It'll be great... Or... At least it will once I get some skill, maybe. ^-^;

Crazy 19 years ago

a drawing tablet... ah... *dreams* *Stops dreaming after several screaming sculls and imagining a girl crushed by strange mechanic vines* why does stuff like that happen?! I actually have to fall asleep quickly otherwise i start thinking about stuff like that. And thats pretty difficult if your an insomniac.

anyway, im seriously considering buying a drawing tablet so if you could PM me a review or something like that id be grateful.

Yes, i know this was off-topic

Zombie 19 years ago

After whoring my story a bit, I have gained some very valuable insight into what's up with it.

Apparently, I need to be more descriptive and supposedly use past tense.

Now tell me, which sentence do you think would look better:

"Nickie gives Koneko a cookie."

"Nickie gave Koneko a cookie."

Think about it as to the flow of the story...

Inane 19 years ago

Its a nice story so far, I like it.
But yeah,I think there should be some more detail, Especially when it comes to characters.

In the gives/gave thing, that sentence sounds better with gave i think.

By the way, OT, But are you female or male?

Zombie 19 years ago

I'm actually going to get back to working on this story in a while, as I have been reading "Word Painting" by Rebecca McClanahan (great book, so far) so I might actually have a much better story on my hands. ;D
Edited 6 years ago

HarmlessHermit 19 years ago

I've never even attempted to try to write a story from a girl's point of view. If I ever did, it would be like sticking a boy into a girl's body. I just don't know enough about them. There would have to be a certain distance from me and the character, and that just won't do in some cases.

So I know you are changing the tense, but what of the point of view? I take it you will tell it from Catgirl's perspective. Will it be in 1st person or 3rd person?

Zombie 19 years ago

Some chapters may be third person narrative, others may be first person narrative from any of the main characters' viewpoints.

I don't really plan ahead when I write, as if I made deadlines and planned everything out... I would most likely change it later on. So there's no real point to making a thing that's set in stone and getting everyone's hopes up for the next chapter, when I will most likely end up going past the deadline.

Girls are easy to understand. Maybe I just say that because I pretty much am one. Haha...

Now boys... Boys are infuriating to the point of just driving me completely insane.

Tense, I think, will change on a case-by-case basis. The word "explodes" carries much more feeling than "exploded", in my opinion.

HarmlessHermit 19 years ago

Or you can resort to the simple yet effective sound effect words (I can't remember what they're called. Something I should have learned from English...) BANG! BOOM! VROOM! WOOSH! Swish! Pow! Kabang!

I'm sorry. Disregard the above suggestion.
Just be careful about the viewpoint switching. They are handy to the author but can potentially discourage the reader if used too often with no strong correlation between the characters.

I have a strong urge to write a review for this so I don't have to drop little suggestions continuously. Maybe when the next chapter comes out.

. Now you have one more incentive. A nice review from yours truly when the next chapter comes out.

Zombie 19 years ago

Oh, the viewpoint switching will mainly be used when a character goes solo...

Anyways, I am thinking of getting a website up and running, where people can read this thing. I need to move it away from the Monkkonen.net forums, as the censor wreaks havok on my writing...

Oh, and the fact that I will probably rewrite the whole damn thing, and it will probably be ten times as large as I pull out all the stops.

I've decided that I'm just going to write like I write, instead of trying to contain everything in equal-sized chapter blocks. It's kind of annoying. -.-

HarmlessHermit 19 years ago

I know it's near blasphemous to say this, but you may find it better to join a forum made especially for writers/readers as you will find far better opinions there, and there will not be any random readers shouting for it to be shorter. Oh we'll still be here of course, reading and posting our thoughts, but ... yeah.

Zombie 19 years ago

If I could find any that didn't want me to give away the rights to my story, then I'd be happy.

cristallion 19 years ago

"Zombie" said:
Oh, the viewpoint switching will mainly be used when a character goes solo...

Anyways, I am thinking of getting a website up and running, where people can read this thing. I need to move it away from the Monkkonen.net forums, as the censor wreaks havok on my writing...

Oh, and the fact that I will probably rewrite the whole damn thing, and it will probably be ten times as large as I pull out all the stops.

I've decided that I'm just going to write like I write, instead of trying to contain everything in equal-sized chapter blocks. It's kind of annoying. -.-

Which website???

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