Hey all. I played and installed the FEAR 2 demo and then I decided to email a few friends on how generic and predictable it was. Sorry if you don't get some references. I recommend the game if you don't mind linear stuff and action separated by 5 minutes at a time. Here it is:
THE GIRL AND HER STALKER:
You start the game in a street with asploded cars everywhere. Everything is either black or red. I look at the sky and see black blobs moving across a red sky. The sky is completely red, with no redness variation. Then I decided the walk forwards in a straight line as this obviously was a linear game. Then.. suddenly.... flashes of a young girl! Obviously, I followed her as the main character expressed his wishes to "get to know her". Then she jumped into a hole for no reason. I followed then suddenly everything exploded and I woke up next to some exploded things around some exploded corpses.
THE BROWNESS:
Everything looked incredibly realistic (grey and brown). Then I wandered forwards (in a linear fashion) and looked down a hole. I saw some 2 people with guns firing at something (once I jumped down the hole I discovered that they were shooting a wall). I decided to help despite not having any guns so I jumped down. One of the people died, and the other wandered off, presumably to find the little girl. He stopped with his back turned 5 metres away from me. A gun disappeared off the floor and appeared in my hands (No Crysis-worthy animations here!) and I fired a few practice shots at a wall with ma new SMG. I then proceeded to melee a few boxes to see if anything would happen (nothing did). Then I received a message saying that sprinting then meleeing or jumping then meleeing would create SUPA-SPECIAL GIGA-MOVES. I jumped around doing a Captain Falcon style Down-b when he's in mid-air (I'm serious) and also sprinting and kicking walls. Then after 1 minute of messing around a realised that the marine who wandered off 5 metres away was actually an ENEMY. Even with my epic stuffing around and noise pollution he didn't notice!!
THE EPIC BATTLE:
Realising this I took advantage of his stupidity to empty 20 bullets into his back. I reloaded and he turned around, went RAWR and fired at me. As the game was so linear there was no place to hide so bullets began smashing into me. When he began to reload (the SMG has a clip of 50) I finished him off and checked my health bar. I lost 0 health and 10% armour. From 50 shots. With my new-found knowledge of invincibility I charged forwards and then suddenly some guys popped up and didn't do anything. I tried to move and found that I couldn't. Then a message popped up saying that I must use bullet time. I yelled NOOOOOEESSSSS!!!!! and left the game alone for a while. Nothing happened. I gave in and pressed the bullet time button. Then I emptied 40 super-accurate shots into a guy who didn't die... 10 bad guys and a loss of 50% armour later I decided to move on. I walked onwards (linearly) until I came across to what looked like a school.
THE SCHOOL:
My character expressed his enjoyment of schoolchildren and urged himself onwards by giving himself an objective. Then suddenly... BLARG SCREECH TZZZZ POP! My radio comes to life! I look down to the left of my HUD and see a picture appear... IT'S THE GUY WITH THE GIANT MUSTACHE FROM COD4!!! AND HIS LAST NAME WAS "PATTEN"... AWESOME!!!!
He said, "Hello, my boy. I hear a woman crying. Oh my, my lad! She appears to be naked! Yowza! She says she's crying about her BABBYS. SHE NRVER EVNE GOT 2 TUCH THEM (eww). Mayhaps I could touch them for her, my boy!" Your character obviously doesn't reply, as he has no mouth. THEN SUDDENLY EVERYTHING GETS BLURRY AND SCHOOL BOOKS FLY OUT OF LOCKERS AND HIT A WALL AND DISAPPEAR. I look closer at where they came from (it was behind a wall) and SEE A NAKED GHOST WOMAN. I fire some shots at it and am rewarded by slow-motion and heavy particle effects. I walk down the corridor more AND THEN SUDDENLY IT APPEARS IN MY FACE AND I TRY TO KISS IT AND IT DISAPPEARS!!! I walk down the corridor more, every 3 steps experiencing one of those "random encounters". I walk to the end of the corridor and find a door blocked by some tables. It's a puzzle!
THE PUZZLINGNESS:
I walk around in a disorientating motion-blurry environment desperately looking for a way through. With random encounters. It took me 5+ minutes to open a door disguised as a wall (terribly dark lighting). I looked in the room and looked through a window. Then I saw the accursed door again! NO! I walk around desperately trying to escape for another 5 minutes when I go back to the room from before and jump through the window. Then I realise that that door was actually the exit. There was no way to tell that it was the exit as the other door was blocked from the other side. I opening the door and then GENERAL PATTEN GRABBED ME BY THE FACE AND YELLED,
"She's mine! Stay away from her! She's mine!" That's what he actually said. My voiceless character attempted to blink in morse-code that he was running away from the woman but Patten didn't listen. He just backed away, shocked, like he'd just discovered that the woman was actually a man.
THE TENTACLE OF DEATH:
The man backed off into a wall AND THEN SUDDENLY THE ENTIRE SCREEN TURNED RED AND BLACK AGAIN AND A TENTACLE CAME OUT OF THE FLOOR AND BEGAN BLOWING/FARTING IN THE DIRECTION OF PATTEN!!!! Patten entered Halo 3 ragdoll mode and bounced against the wall behind him. Then the tentacle began reverse farting because Patten was sliding TOWARDS THE TENTACLE. Then Patten's flesh disappeared Doom 3 slideshow style and I regained control of Generic McGee. I looked around the corner and FOUND NO TENTACLE OMG IT HAD DISAPPEARED.
THE THIRD HOLE YOU NEED TO JUMP DOWN:
I jumped down the hole and wandered around a bit until a had to fight 5 bad guys. I entered slow-mo and shot at a bad guy. My aim must have sucked because I missed AND THEN SUDDENLY THERE WAS A RANDOM EXPLOSION. Later I discovered that it was a propane tank. I laughed at the misfortune of the guy who was inside the explosion, but... HE WAS ALIVE SOMEHOW. 5 bad guys and 10% of health loss later (I lost my armour due to random encounters) I realised that there is no regenerating health. You know what that means? MED KITS!!! YEEEEEAHHHHH!!!!!!! I walked around and picked up an incendiary grenade. I looked at your PDA thing and it said that it explodes at 1500 degrees Celsius! Zounds!
THE PUZZLINGNESS v2.0:
Now to escape the room. I walked a bit and found an unbarricaded chain link fence, with a chain link door. I walked up to the door and pressed the context sensitive key and... NOTHING HAPPENED!! This must be one of those bits where the devs show of their coding skillz by forcing you to destroy something in order to move on! I threw my GRENADE WHICH EXPLODES AT 1500 DEGREES CELSIUS and it ASPLODED!!! Once the smoke cleared I saw.... an intact chain-link fence. Lolwot? For another 5 minutes I wandered around and eventually found a door hidden in a shadow to a back room. Once there I was rewarded by a corridor.
THE CORRIDOR OF DIFFERENTIALITY:
I had a feeling that something "scary" would happen so I walked forwards and said "Bleh!" at when I thought something cheesily scary would happen. At the exact moment I spoke the room was drenched in red light and an area behind an invincible chain-link was suddenly drenched in blood and corpses. How unexpected. I walked forwards some more AND THEN SUDDENLY YOUR VISION GOT BLURRY AND DISTORTED AND A NAKED WOMAN APPEARED. This was the scariest moment in the game for me. Why? She was realllyy ugly, she was wasted away, her eyes were red and her skin was shaded a blueish tinge. Brickheads would relish this moment, of course, and begin exclaiming how "hawt dat chik woz".
ALL AWAY FROM THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS:
After more corridoring I came across a mini-cliff onto some water. Then I noticed a bus hanging precariously from a hole in the ceiling. I jumped down AND THEN THE SCREEN WENT ALL BLURRY AND THE GAME WENT INTO SLOW MOTION AND THE BUS COLLAPSED. Knowing fully well that a good developer would never put the character's life in risk in such a blurry and disorientating way I just stood there and watched the bus fall on me and DEATH.
ALL AWAY FROM THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS v2.0:
I jumped down again and attempted to sprint away. This is when I noticed that you can only sprint for 10 metres at Chris' jogging pace before you DIE from exhaustion. I persisted though and ran and... stopped... I looked down and saw that A DRINK CAN WAS BLOCKING MY PATH. The bus fell and I died.
ALL AWAY FROM THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS v3.0:
This time I ran towards the bus as I noticed that it hit the ground with its front, then tipped and fell forwards. It wouldn't hit me. But apparently it did as I suddenly died before it even began dropping. INVISIBLE WALL OF DEATH.
ALL AWAY FROM THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS v4.0:
This time I ran and heroically escaped. 'Bout $^%ing time.
THE DOOR WHICH FELL AND THE GENERIC GHOST TRAIN:
I opened a door and then opened another. Except this time the door just fell forwards. Nothing else. Lolwot? It was so scarily random that I wet my pants in FEAR. The rest of tunnel which looked like a sewer was blocked by a train with its door conveniently left open. I got on and prepared to say "Bleh" at the exact same time something scary happened. You know what? I did it. Again. THE WHOLE TRAIN WAS DRENCHED IN RED AND BLUR AND THEN SUDDENLY I TURNED AROUND AND THEN SUDDENLY I NOTICED THAT NAKED WOMAN FROM BEFORE WALKING TOWARDS ME. "Oh noes!" I screamed. I didn't want my childhood scarred a second time by her ugliness! And then everything returned back to normal.
THE RADIO-DOOR AND THE IDIOT:
I saw another door and I opened it. AT THE EXACT SAME TIME MY RADIO CAME TO LIFE AND SOME GUY BEGAN TO TALK TO HIMSELF. Lolwot? This is what he said,
"I'm just on the radio to say that nothing is out of the ordinary... Hey, wait! It's a naked girl! I'm going to follow here even though she's not responding to my calls and is coloured blue! That's a great idea!" My voiceless character didn't voice his protest, even though it was obvious who that naked woman was.
OUTSIDE! GOODBYE CORRIDORS... OR WILL I?:
I walked a bit more... THEN SUDDENLY I WAS OUTSIDE OMG. I looked around and noticed that the buildings were so close together and so obstructive that it might as well be a corridor. Then I shot some bad guys and got a sniper rifle. Yay! Then I LEG-SHOTTED-INSTANT-DEATH some people who only moments before could stand 50 SMG shots to the chest and neck.
BUGS GLORIOUS BUGS:
I walked onwards and then suddenly I could see through all the buildings, everything looked gasey and I got 3 fps. I backed away and killed some guys. Then I walked onwards AND THE BUG WAS GONE. Then I walked into a house because all the other houses were blocked and the road was blocked by an invincible chain-link fence. THEN SUDDENLY A DOOR BURST OPEN AND A GUY IN A GIANT METAL SUIT OF ARMOUR BEGAN FIRING A LASER AT ME. I HEADSHOT'd him a few times and picked up a laser with a laser-aimer. I tried to walk onwards but then I got 1fps for some reason. I turned around and walked back outdoors and decided that it was enough for me. I fired my constant-beam laser at the ground and wrote "27". I tried to take a screenshot but the burn marks faded away powerpoint style. And with that I quit and uninstalled the game.
THE END.
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